What causes men to leave women? When it comes to answering this question, two kinds of women emerge. Kunle Hamilton writes:
One is the woman who
rarely considers herself as the possible cause of her relationship problems.
She generally feels she is doing everything right by her man and if there is
anything wrong in the relationship, she assumes it is the guy who has a
problem.
Two is the woman who thinks that if her man
loses interest in her, it's somehow her fault. She thinks she must have done or
said something that turned him off and she contemplates endlessly (sometimes
obsessively about what she did wrong. However, the reason a man leaves a
relationship seldom has to do with a single thing that a woman said or did.
More than likely, the man is not necessarily
responding to the woman he is leaving, but rather to his own inner needs,
insecurities, conflicts, fears, and fantasies. However, it is also very likely
that the woman made mistakes, which contributed to the creation of the environment
that caused a man to flee.
This is a very fine distinction you must
fully understand, to have successful and enduring relationships with men. There
are many possible mistakes women make that contribute to a man's decision to
leave a relationship. Here are the top three mistakes as identified by my
newfound relationship doctor, Bob Grant:
Mistake No.
1
A common
mistake that women make is that they ignore (or don't fully understand) the
emotional needs of a man. A woman often gets the notion that she is fulfilling
a man's emotional needs because she erroneously believes that a man thinks and
feels the way she does.
Therefore, she insists on giving a man what
she thinks he needs emotionally - and in doing so, she runs the risk of
eventually driving him away.
You cannot flood a man's heart with emotions
to fulfil his emotional needs the way you can a woman's.
Men don't flow as well in the emotional realm
as women do. There is a myth propagated by untrained so-called
"relationship experts that states: "When a man fulfils a woman's need
for love, she'll give him all the sex he needs and when a woman fulfils a man's
need for sex, he'll give her all the love she needs."
That is an over-simplistic and erroneous
generalisation. While it is true that sex is important to men, it is not what's
going to keep him devoted to you.
Don't you wish it were that simple? The fact
is, I've seen more women lose their men by giving sex too freely and too soon
than women lose their men by withholding sex!
Going back to the emotional needs of a man,
it all boils down to how they feel when they're with you.
You, as the woman, knowingly or unknowingly,
create an environment in your relationship that makes a man want to stay or go.
One way women ignore the emotional
needs of a man is by unknowingly behaving in a way that threatens the man's
ego, triggers hidden insecurity or low self-esteem, makes the man think you're
controlling him, or resurrects past pain or conflict. Often, even when women
think they're doing something good for the man, maybe something even noble and
selfless could be the thing that suffocates a man emotionally.
A woman's nurturing and giving nature is
usually alluring to a man. But there comes a point when giving too much (or
doing too much for a man) actually backfires. It tends to make a man feel that
you are trying to control him, and therefore, you've unwittingly created an
environment that he doesn't want to be in and that's when hell begins for you.
You might protest and say, "I'm not
trying to control him at all. If anything, I'm just giving him as much as I can
give!" But unknown to you, that excessive giving could come across a man's
subconscious perception as a controlling mechanism a way to call the shots in
the relationship.
And there are also times when the more you
give, and the more wonderful you appear to him, the more you risk stirring
those feelings inherent in a man that he cannot measure up to you. This is
basic to most men; they need to know they can provide for a woman, protect her,
satisfy her, make her happy, and be her hero-not the other way around.
Most relationships that seem to be going well
end abruptly because the woman appears "too good" in the eyes of the
man. He begins to think her expectations appear too great for him to bear, and
whatever he does will not satisfy her for long. The rewards of being with her
begin to be outweighed by the fear that he is too inadequate to be her hero.
The solution for the woman is not to make
yourself appear less of who you are just so he won’t feel you're too good for
him- rather, to use your feminine attributes to make yourself a
"safe" person in whom he can confide his fears and inner pain so that
you can finally discover the real reason he might want to escape from your
relationship.
Mistake No. 2
Another
common mistake women they try to fix men-like I’ll convert him and then marry
him!
They potentially focus more on the man rather
than the reality. While there's nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting your
man to be the best he can be, men generally do not want to be treated like
fixer-uppers.
When you claim you love a man, but you're
constantly trying to change him, it’s very perplexing to a man. He may wonder
if you love him at all or love the version of him that you envision in your
mind's eye. If a man tried to charge you, you wouldn't appreciate it either,
would you?
Now, don't get it wrong. It is true that men
have areas that need improvement (just like all women do) and men are not
against the concept of changing themselves. You just have to make him think it
was his idea (because a man doesn't like to feel that the woman's in charge).
And you can do this by identifying his reasons for wanting to change.
Remember: If you manage to make him change, to please you or "for the sake of the relationship", the change
is not likely to last. The trick is to be the woman that makes him want to be a
better man. That way, you inspire him to change for his own reasons.
I’ve watched with fascination how women
successfully cause their men to change and have studied their techniques. I've
seen many a man abandons his ‘bachelor life’ for that one special woman, and
give the rest of his lifestyle an extreme makeover too – all while secures in
the blissful ignorance that he (not the woman) was running the show! It is a
very subtle manoeuvre, but if a woman learns to accomplish it skillfully, she'd
have any man in her hand.
Mistake No.
3
Women tend
to bring too much "drama" into the relationship. Men just want to
feel good. They want to be around a woman that makes them feel good about
themselves and the world, and a woman who feels good about life in general.
That is why a woman's smile is considered by men as one of the sexiest things
about her (as confirmed by a university study wherein they surveyed hundreds of
men about what makes a woman attractive to them). Smiling tells a man that a
woman is pleased with him and with her.
All too often, however, women tend to bring
unnecessary drama into their relationships. This is a general tendency and not
a universal
rule, mind you.
Some women are more predisposed to drama than
others, often finding occasions to manufacture the drama, much like a
screenwriter purposely adds conflict to a story to make a screenplay more
interesting.
The drama invariably involves talking about
feelings and emotions, and men generally flee from such occasions. Very few
words in the English language cause as much dread in a man's heart as a woman
telling him: "We need to talk.
The usual reaction in a man's mind is
"Oh no, what did I do now?" or "Oh not again" Talking about
feelings and emotions-especially when it comes to man-woman relationships ranks
very low on a man's "feel good chart. Men run away from emotions that are
too intense.
An occasional emotion- tolerable packed event
or conversation is t to a man, but if it becomes a pattern or a way of life,
and you habitually involve felling him in your ongoing drama, he'll have no
recourse but to try to escape from the source of that drama - that is, you!
If you're the kind of person who thrives on
feeling hurt, offended, agitated, or annoyed by things that your man does or
says -or by people, events, and everything else, for that matter-you quickly
become one of the people who he doesn't feel good to be around. This will make
a difference in whether he'll decide to spend any more of his time and energy
on you and your relationship.
In presenting the top three mistakes above,
I've only skimmed the surface of the underlying reasons a man leaves a woman
with whom he's had a good relationship.
The key to a successful and enduring
relationship with a man is to develop a deep understanding of him – what moves
him, what inspires him, what he fears or is threatened by, and what makes him
want to be with a woman and stay devoted to her.
From both a professional and personal
standpoint, I believe it is the woman, not the man, who has the power to set
the tone and direct the course of her relationship with a man. While a woman cannot
change a man, she can cause him to change of his own volition, and shape his
attitude by looking after his needs.
A woman can inspire devotion, love, and
faithfulness and cause a man, who has left her, to come back to her- but only
if she learns how to use the power of her femininity.
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